Hey Jude
by Riveting Red Pants
Summary: Castiel is at his wit's end. He's afraid of going back to heaven because if he sees what he's done, all the family he has murdered, all the chaos he has created, he will kill himself. Dean makes him feel better the best way he knows how. Takes place in season 8.


**It's time for that drabble that no one reads but I write anyway! I was at work listening to my ipod, and then "Hey Jude" came on and I couldn't help thinking of Supernatural, and one thing led to another and this fic was born. Because we might not all have gone to hell and back, but we've all had dark times. But there is always a light. Remember to read and review, I LOVE your reviews 3 And I know I currently have two ongoing fics a couple of you are probably waiting for, I promise I'll finish them eventually. **

**Hey Jude**

"_Dean I . . . when I was . . . bad. . . and I had all of those things- the . . . the leviathans. . . writhing inside me. . . I caused a lot of suffering on earth, but I devastated heaven. I vaporized thousands of my own kind, and I-I-I can't go back."_

"_'Cause if you do, the angels will kill you."_

"_Because if I see what heaven's become-what-I . . .made of it. . . .I'm afraid I might kill myself."_

**-Dean and Castiel, _Hunteri Heroici_**

Dean sat on the edge of the bed, facing Castiel. Those words had frozen him. He felt as if time had paused, and left him sitting on the edge of a precipice like this. He felt like if he moved, if he so much as breathed, he would fall off- no, worse, _Cas _would fall off. A thousand thoughts suddenly raced through Dean's head. He felt anger. How could Cas want to kill himself? After all that they'd been through, he owed it to the world, he owed it to Dean, to live. He felt betrayal. How could Cas leave them like that? It was downright selfish! He felt pain. How would he survive without Cas? He'd had to before, but those times had nearly killed him. An image of Cas walking into water came up, his bloody trench coat floating to Dean's feet as if urging Dean to take care of it. And Dean had, he had kept all that was left of his angel, and held onto it for dear life. When he gave it back to Cas, it had smelled strongly of Dean, and that wasn't just because it was in the back of the impala. It was because on nights when Sammy was already fast asleep, and the pain inside Dean's chest couldn't be fixed with hunter's helper, Dean would sneak out to the impala and take out the trench coat and hold it for a while, and eventually cry into it, and then when no more tears would come, he would take it back inside, stuff it inside his pillow case so Sammy would never see, and sleep with it. Cas would never know.

Dean felt a great empathy. He knew Cas was sad, beyond sad, and having been beyond sad many times himself, he knew he needed to comfort the angel. Cas wasn't used to this kind of emotion. He was used to duty and honor. He might have felt sadness before in his life, and maybe even a little bit of guilt, but never to this extreme. Dean put himself in Cas's shoes. He tried to think of if he had killed Sammy, what would he do then? He would kill himself without a second thought. Family was protection. That was his job. If he not only failed his job, but killed Sammy himself . . . The thought was too painful to bare. Dean thought of the most calming thing in the world.

"Cas, I'm going to try and help you out okay?" Cas looked at him questioningly.

"What are you going to do?"

"Just . . .help you out. . . shut up and do what I say . . . and don't um. . . don't judge me." Cas gave him one of those smiles that crinkled his eyes.

"Of course not Dean." Cas said softly. Dean cleared his throat.

"Okay. Good. Umm . . . lay down." Castiel did as instructed, never looking fully comfortable, still seeming tense as only Castiel could. Dean cleared his throat again and took a deep breath, readying himself for what he was about to do.

"_Hey Jude don't make it bad, take a sad song, and make it better. Remember to let her into your heart then you can start to make it better. . ." _Dean sang. He had never felt this self conscious around anyone before. He thought briefly that singing in front of someone was worse than standing stark naked in front of them. He'd rather be naked. Singing was reserved for people he really _really _knew, and really trusted. He didn't even sing in front of Bobby. Probably the only person who had ever heard him sing was Sammy. Well, and that poor Miami bar on Karaoke night. He had been very drunk. Singing in front of someone was like showing them your soul, it was saying "_I trust you with everything that I am. I trust you to hear me and not laugh, I trust you to listen to these words and not judge me for them." _He looked down to see if Cas was judging him, but the angel just lay, his eyes closed and a small smile played upon his lips as Dean's song washed over him "_And any time you feel the pain, hey Jude refrain, don't carry the world upon your shoulders for well you know that it's a fool who plays it cool by making this world a little colder . . ." _

Dean felt the meaning of the words his mother used to sing him. That was the beauty of the Beatles, their lyrics had so many meanings. Right now, for Cas, the meaning was not to give up. The meaning was that he had a family, and that no matter what he did, that family would never turn their back on him. He had Sam and Dean and that was all he needed, that was worth living for.

"_ . . .remember to let her under your skin then you begin to make it better . . . . nananananana nananana hey Judeeeee" _Slowly, Cas actually started to relax. Dean watched his hands unfold and his muscles slightly seemed to soften. He watched the tension drain from his angel as Cas himself took in the meaning of the words Dean sang. When Dean was done he cleared his throat again, awkwardly realizing what he had just shared with Cas. "My mother . . . she uh. . .she used to sing that to me every night before I went to sleep. It is the one song in the world that can make everything okay for me." Cas opened his eyes and looked at Dean, smiling brightly. "I just thought it had a lot of meaning for you right now." Dean rubbed the back of his neck with one hand, looking anywhere but Cas. Cas sat up slowly. "Basically what I'm trying to say, is that no matter what you've done, or what you do, I'm here with you. You're not alone, and you never will be. You can't give up Cas." He looked back at his angel now. "You've done awful things, but that's okay, we all have, I broke the first seal, Sammy set Lucifer free and . . . and I left you in purgatory. Well we've done all kinds of crap. But even when it has gotten really tough, which seems to be always, I don't give up because I know I've got Sammy . . . and you." Cas was leaning towards him now.

"Thank you Dean." Cas blinked rapidly a few times, trying not to let the moistness in his eyes show. "Thank you for sharing your most precious of songs with me. And thank you for being here for me."

"Always man. I'm always gonna be here for you." Dean told him, his voice a whisper now. Cas leaned the rest of the way forward and pressed his lips slightly against Dean's. Dean froze again.

"I do believe the song encouraged me to go after love as well, yes?"

"Well . . .uh. . . yeah." Dean stammered awkwardly, blushing.

"If you don't want-," Dean rushed forward and slammed his lips into Cas's.

"Don't be crazy of course I do." He told the angel, millimeters from his face. Cas grinned and took Dean's face in both of his hands and kissed Dean again. The sound of the door opening broke them apart, and then a horrified sort of squawk that was issued from Sam.

"Sammy, man, perfect timing. As always." Dean said, hand holding Cas's chin. Dean pecked Cas quickly again and then released him. "You gonna be okay?" He asked Cas, one last time, ignoring Sammy's mental breakdown. Cas eye-crinkle-smiled again.

"As long as you're with me Dean, I will be."

"I will always be with you Cas." The two finally looked over at Sam, who had somehow managed to shove a two year old's bitch face onto his large moose body, with his arms flailing around and a noise escaping him like that of a dying bicycle horn.

"I think we have to fix him next." Cas told Dean, concerned.

**Just a cheesy reminder that if you ever considered suicide, make sure to consider those you would leave behind, and think of how you would break their hearts. And don't tell yourself there is no one, because we all know that's not true. There is always someone. And also don't feel weak for it. Castiel, angel of the lord once considered suicide. It's not uncommon, everyone has those thoughts at least once. The difference is acting on it. Just remember you are not alone. There are always angels watching over you. :) **

"_And any time you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain, don't carry the world upon your shoulders"_


End file.
